january 2008 | Welcome to Finding Balance eNews.

Dead Zoners Vs. Downloaders: Post work-day communication errors
You finish a hard day at the office. Your tired and maybe a little irritable. You finally get home to those whom you love. Do you enter the ‘dead zone’ or do you want to ‘download’ your day. People seem to fall into one category or another and either may cause stress at home.

The dead zone
In the December issue of the Harvard Business Review, there was a survey of 975 global managers by Sylvia Ann Hewlett and Carolyn Buck Luce. It showed that about 45% of 975 high-earning managers enter a conversational dead zone after a long workday, meaning they just don’t want to talk.

Why would this happen? Our work days are filled with conversation, people trying to get our attention, multi-tasking and emotional outpouring. I would guess that the dead zone might even be greater for us docs. Another reason we don’t want to talk is that we don’t want to bring all of the ‘bad stuff’ that happened at work home with us. This is especially true when your days are filled with trauma or difficult diagnoses. The problem this creates is that your family wants to talk to you and when you are silent, they can presume that they did something wrong.

The downloader
The downloader is one who wants to tell their family about their entire day. This is more likely true for women in that women under stress are more likely to want to talk about it than men (Taylor et al, Psychological Review. 107(3), Jul 2000, 411-429.). This puts them at a disadvantage, because, if married to a man, the man is more likely to prefer quite time post work.

The solutions
If you are a ‘dead-zoner’ be honest about it and ask for what you need. Let them know that you had a rough day and that all you need is 20 minutes by yourself. Short walks are great for this or just some ‘couch time’ without stimulation. If you tell your family that you just need a short break, they won’t presume that it is about them and they can relax about it.

If you are a downloader, ask for time to download. Keep in mind that most men, on hearing about difficulties will try to fix them. This feels like work for them and if they are tired is unwelcome. Let your spouse know that they don’t have to make it better, they just need to listen. Talking alone, without kids or distractions, make it better. Over a glass of wine may be useful too.

If you are a downloader married to a dead-zoner, make time for both of you. Twenty minutes of downtime, followed by 20 minutes of downloading may be the best solution.

The bottom line is that we all function differently and that honesty about your needs is critical. Pretending to listen is worse than not listening at all!

Fun summer entertainment
A critical component of life balance is fun. Reading is one of my favorite summer activities. With that in mind, I want to recommend a great book that my wife and I both enjoyed; The Lost Diary of Don Juan by Douglas Carlton Abrams. I loved this book. It was fun, sensual and cinematic in scope. It is written as a diary by Don Juan and describes is life exploits and adventures in love. The author makes Don Juan a rich and believable character; someone you would love to sit in a tavern with and hear his stories unfold. Truly a fun read.

After reading this book, the two of you may have something to talk about besides work or maybe you won’t want to talk at all (wink).